Walking Into Bars Can Hurt
by Wannon
Summary: Wannon: *Shounen ai* Just a little FFVII get together ^.^ Much chaos ensures with puns, foo's and everything inbetween.. . Please Review. ^_^


This is completely nonsensical…sorry, I had to vent my insanity in some way!

Wannon (me) is the author of this story…and being the author of this story means I can interrupt where I want, when I want…so there.I will often speak to the characters…which is cool. J stupid smiley face.Okay. Let the games begin!

Cloud Strife walked into a bar.

"Ouch! Dammit!" he exclaimed, rubbing the bump on his head.

~ Wannon sighs ~

Wannon- "No, not _that kind of bar! A proper bar, you know, one where you go for a beer?"_

Cloud- "Oh, that bar…I thought you meant a metal pole bar thingy!"

~ Wannon stifles a giggle ~

Wannon- "Nope, okay, carry on!"

Cloud walked into a bar without hurting himself this time, to see his friends all situated around a table…a few were drunk, while others were boringly sober.

"Hey guys! Having fun?!" Cloud asked, as he joined them.Vincent Valentine gave his friend a look.

"Does it _look like I'm having fun?! I have to be the designated driver!" he said monotonously.A very drunk Tifa Lockheart hung herself on Cloud's shoulder._

"Heyyyy Cloud…you'reeeee seexxxyy…" she slurred.Vincent shook his head.

"Actually, I'm glad I'm not drunk" he said, as Tifa slumped to the floor.Aeris Gainsborough was also drunk, and bent down to help up Tifa, but ended up on the floor herself.Tifa and Aeris laughed uncontrollably.Nanaki, a.k.a. Red XIII, was asleep on the floor, curled up with a bowl of…beer?

Cloud- "Since when could lion-thingies drink beer, Wannon?"

~ Wannon ponders this question, but can't come up with an answer ~

Wannon- "Since…since I'm the author and you have to do what I say!"

~ Cloud shrugs ~

Cloud- "Okay…"

The familiar music of the Turks begins, as Reno, Rude, Elena, and Tseng enter the bar.They catch sight of Cloud and Co, and jump in surprise, before deciding to ignore them and sit down at a table over the other side of the bar.

~ Wannon interrupts for a second, and begins to talk to Reno ~

Wannon- "Reno! Hello!"

~ Reno looks around, trying to figure out where the voice is coming from ~

Reno- "Where are you? Show yourself, or prepare to face the wrath of the Turks! Oh, hell…I'm on vacation! Stuff it! I'm gonna get plastered!"

Cloud- "Uh…Reno, the person talking would be the author of this story"

~ Reno glares at Cloud ~

Reno- "Don't talk to me" 

Wannon- "Oh I give up"

Barret was drinking heavily, but being a big beefy hard @$$, he could handle his beer.He shook his head at the two girls on the floor, who were now playing with the sleeping Nanaki's tail.His expression of amusement turned to disgust when he saw Tifa unceremoniously drinking from Nanaki's bowl.

"Tifa! Woman, git your face outa there! Crazy wench…" he said.Cloud dragged Tifa to her feet, hoping she could stay upright.She was successful for about a minute and a half, before she slumped to the floor again.Aeris, however was a little less drunk, and stood up to look Cloud in the eyes.

"You're cute" she said with a giggle.Cloud pushed back one of his spikes, making Aeris swoon.

"Ooh! Do it again!" she exclaimed.

"No, I don't think so…maybe I should have said you were the town drunk…" he said.

~ Wannon interrupts ~

Wannon- "For those of you who haven't played Final Fantasy VII, there is a section in the game where Cloud falls through the roof of a church in the Sector five slums, where Aeris the flower girl was growing her flowers…they had already met before, after they (They being Avalanche- Barret, Tifa and Cloud, Jessie, Biggs and Wedge) blew up the number 1 reactor in Midgar.Aeris asks Cloud if he remembers who she is, and you're presented with two choices- You're the town drunk. OR

- You were selling flowers.

So that's my little explanation.I'll go for now"

Aeris walked off in a huff, but tripped over the sleeping Nanaki.Vincent cracked up laughing.

~ Vincent interrupts Wannon ~

Vincent- "Hang on…I'm supposed to be a heartless, non-laughing serious cold guy who turns into many different nasty-looking monsters!"

~ Wannon sweatdrops ~

Wannon- "Okay Vincent…but this is MY fanfic, and if I say you laugh, you DAMN WELL LAUGH!"

~ Vincent cowers in fear, as Wannon berates him ~

Vincent- "Okay…I'm sorry!"

~ Wannon stops suddenly, and hangs her head in shame ~

Wannon- "I'm sorry too…you're my favourite character…along with Reno and Rufus.Speaking of Rufus, where is the little cutie?"

~ Vincent sweatdrops ~

Vincent- "You think that nasty, spoiled little poofter is CUTE!? He was going to kill us all!"

~ Wannon blushes ~

Wannon- "Well then, you won't want to hear who else I think is pretty cool…"

Vincent- "I think I've heard it all"

Wannon- "Uh-uh, not hardly"

Vincent- "Bet you I won't be shocked…go on, try me."

Wannon- "Okay, but you asked for it…(Big dramatic pause) Sephiroth…"

~ Vincent tries to keep a straight face, but ends up looking retarded.He gives up and lets out his confusion ~

Vincent- "Sephiroth!? Why the hell would you like HIM?!"

Wannon- "He's got a cool sense of style…I like it.You're pretty stylie too, Vincent"

~ Vincent blushes, adding colour to his pale white skin ~

Vincent- "Thankyou…"

~ Wannon winks at Vincent, making him blush more ~

Wannon- "No problem cutie…hey, I was wondering…maybe later, you and I could-"

~ Cloud interrupts ~

Cloud- "Hey! What about the story? Quit flirting with the characters and get on with it!"

~ Wannon sighs ~

Wannon- "Okay…talk to _you later, Vincent…"_

Okay, so anyway, Aeris tripped over Nanaki, and Vincent…Vincent has a choice of either laughing or shaking his head at this sight.

~ Vincent whispers to Wannon ~

Wannon- "Okay, uh-huh…got it"

Okay! Vincent _rolled his eyes at the sight of Aeris tripping over Nanaki.Nanaki woke up with a jolt and a snarl.His tail swished behind him as he got up, catching Cid Highwind's hair on fire._

"AAHH! @%&*! HELP!" he screamed.Yuffie Kisaragi, who was 16, and not legally allowed to be drinking, dumped a pitcher of beer on Cid's head.Obviously, she didn't know that alcohol was flammable.

~ Yuffie interrupts angrily ~

Yuffie- "Um, I may be only 16, but I'm intelligent for my age! C'mon, you're just trying to make me look stupid, to make your stupid fanfic slightly funny!…although I don't quite know what's so funny about me being stupid and dumping beer on a fire…on Cid's head…"

~ Wannon begins laughing hysterically ~

Wannon- "Oh, man that's funny! Just imagine it, Yuffie! Cid's head is on _fire!!"_

~ Yuffie ponders this for a second, then begins laughing too ~

Yuffie- "Actually…that _is funny!"_

Wannon- "Can I continue with my fanfic now?"

Yuffie- "Go ahead"

So anyway, Cid's head was now completely engulfed in flames.

"AAGH! OH $&*^! HELP! SOMEBODY PLEASE PUT OUT THIS @%&@^# FIRE!" Cid screamed.Cait Sith (A cat on the back of a large stuffed, but alive, Mog) was laughing merrily at the scene.Cait Sith was a pyromaniac.

~ Cait Sith clobbers Wannon ~

Cait Sith- "Hey! Since when would I laugh at someone in pain? I'm a nice person! And I'm not a pyromaniac!"

Wannon- "Person? Oh yeah, Reeve, right? You're controlling Cait Sith from back in Midgar?"

Cait Sith/Reeve- "Not really…I'm controlling Cait Sith from in the helicopter that President Rufus and I are riding in at present"

Wannon- "Ooh! Where's Rufus going? I wanna stalk him!"

~ Cait Sith sweatdrops ~

Cait Sith/Reeve- "Well…we're actually going to the pub where you guys are…we head that the Turks were slacking off, and Rufus is coming to yell at them"

~ Wannon swoons ~

Wannon- "Ooh! I can't wait!"

~ Cait Sith/Reeve falls silent. ~

Wannon- (mutters) "Stupid cat…"

Cid was still screaming…seeing as his head was on fire, I don't blame him.But Reno was somewhat frustrated with the constant racket, so he filled a jug full of water and dumped it on Cid's head.

"Now shutup and let me drink in peace!" he commanded.Cid whimpered, and everyone laughed at him drunkenly…except those who weren't drunk, they just laughed normally.Cid was completely bald, the fire had burned all of his hair off.He reached up and touched his scalp gingerly, then looked shocked as he figured out he was bald.

"MY HAIR! I'M GONNA KILL THE LITTLE @^&%$# WHO DID THIS!" he yelled.Yuffie glanced around nervously, as everyone pointed to her.

"Hey!…lousy narks!" she yelped, as a bald and enraged Cid chased her out of the bar, just as a helicopter landed…with Rufus inside.

~ Wannon pauses to sigh contentedly ~

~ Vincent gives Wannon a hurt look ~

Vincent- "Hey…I thought you liked me…"

Wannon- "I do, I do…"

Vincent- "I'm not human enough for you, am I? First Lucrecia, now YOU!"

~ Wannon sweatdrops ~

Wannon- "Uh, Vincent? I said I DO, not I DON'T"

~ Vincent blushes ~

Vincent- "Oh…sorry.My bad"

As Cloud watched Cid chase Yuffie away from the bar, he saw Rufus heading towards it.He entered the bar, and the Turks yelped and hid unsuccessfully under the table they were sitting at.Rufus chuckled at Tifa and Aeris, then made his way to the trembling Turks.He stopped at their table, and ran a hand through his hair, like he always does.

~ Wannon interrupts ~

Wannon- "Sorry, but…**Sigh** Rufus…He always does that cute little hair thing…and paces around importantly…and makes cool speeches…and oh, his eyes! They're GORGEOUS!"

~ Rufus overhears and tilts his head to the skies, looking at the place the voice came from ~

Rufus- "Where are you? Come and pay your respects to the new president of Shinra Inc! The one man who will rule this world with fear…not money, like my father.He was a fool…buying the people's trust.But me? **sadistic laugh** I'll make sure they're too scared to do anything but worship and trust me!"

Wannon- "I'm the one writing this fic, Rufus…I mean, Mr. President, sir! And…with all due respect, I believe I paid you more than enough respect back a while ago…with my gracious comments, sir."

~ Rufus ponders, a cute thoughtful look on his face ~

Rufus- "True…my, you are a smart one…do you want to work for Shinra Inc?"

~ Wannon's heart pounds faster ~

Wannon- "Yes! I would love to, sir!"

Rufus- "Great, well…be in my office in Midgar tomorrow morning then"

Wannon- "Yes sir!"

Rufus then turned his attention to Reno, Rude, Elena and Tseng…who were still cowering under the table, pretending that Rufus couldn't see them.Okay, so they were a little drunk at this stage…

"Turks! Out from under that table, now!" Rufus commanded.Elena came out first, and stood in front of Rufus, shivering slightly.Rude and Tseng followed soon after.But Reno refused to come out.

"Reno! Come out at once!" Rufus yelled, tapping his foot angrily…he was so cute when he was angry….

~ Rufus interrupts ~

Rufus- "Excuse me? Cute? I most certainly am not! I, madam, am a ruthless, powerful scary man!"

~ Wannon coos slightly ~

Rufus- "Hey! Stop it! Just continue writing, this is getting ridiculous!"

Wannon- "Sorry…but It's True, It's True!" J

Reno was still refusing to come out.

"No, Rufus! We've been working too hard lately! We need a break! I'm not coming out!" he exclaimed.Rufus sighed.

"Fine Reno.But don't expect your position in the Turks to still be open." Rufus said, and stormed out.The rest of the Turks shot a curious and worried glance at Reno.

"Are you going to come, Reno?" Rude queried.Reno peered over the table.

"Do you think he'll really fire me if I stay here?" Reno whispered nervously.

"He seemed really pissed off, Reno…" Elena said.

"Yes…I believe he wasn't joking, my friend" Tseng added.Reno sighed.

"Dammit! I have to come now…I need the money for beer!" he exclaimed, getting up and running out the door, but not before waving goodbye to Cloud and company.To mock them…not to actually say good bye, because they were enemies…in a way…oh, just forget it.

Cloud looked at his posse.It was obvious that they needed to sleep…now.

"Barret, can you and Vincent help me carry the ladies to their rooms?" he asked, and the three men helped the ladies, while Cait Sith and Nanaki walked to their room.They dumped the women on their beds, and retired for the night.

In the morning, they got up.

~ Cloud interrupts ~

Cloud- "Hmph…you really suck at this, Wannon"

Wannon- "No, it's just I'm better at writing dramatic fanfics…not attempting to write funny ones…which turn out to…esuck!" (Yes, there's an 'e' in front of the 's'…it's how my Spanish teacher says her 's' words…like estudy, and eschool! Ooh, and esmoke!)Okay.Now I am beginning to run out of ideas…nuts!

Um, in the morning…they were, they were…woken up by a herd of Chocobos stampeding through the hallway of the inn!

"WARKKK!" they cried, as they…stampeded, I guess.Cloud peered around the doorframe, and watched them run past.

"Hey! Chocobos! Ooh, I wanna catch one!" he exclaimed, rushing out, equipped with his Ultima Weapon.He was flicked into battle mode, with the Chocobo, a Hippogriff and a Razor Weed.Cloud threw Gysahl greens to the Chocobo to keep it content, and let the Hippogriff and the Razor Weed hit him repeatedly to bring up his limit break.Finally, his limit break hit, and he used his Omnislash on the Hippogriff…it killed it instantly, cos Hippogriff's sure suck.The puny little Razor Weed attacked Cloud, but he just used 4x cut on it…it died.The Chocobo was caught!The view flicked back to normal mode…kind of.Cloud was on the Chocobo, and was racing around the inn at Costa Del Sol…that's where they were.

"WAHOO!" yelled Cloud, as he woke up every inhabitant in Costa Del Sol.They hung out of their windows, hurling anything they could find; underwear, flowerpots, a baby…all the while, Cloud was Chocobo racing on his own.

"Cloud! Quit acting so…so not like you!" Tifa yelled from the steps of the inn.Cloud looked at her and…laughed.She was wearing big T-shirt for a nightgown…but the T-shirt had a picture of…

"Pokémon?!?" Cloud gasped between laughs.Tifa blushed.

"Shutup!" she yelled, rushing back inside.Meanwhile, Cloud's Chocobo had run out of stamina…and collapsed to the ground.Cloud kicked it.

"Stupid overgrown chicken" he muttered.

~ Wannon is interrupted at this point by a censor, who has her at gunpoint ~

Censor- "I do not have you at gunpoint! Delete that!"

Wannon- "Sorry, no can do.Everything stays."

Censor- "Well, tell them the message!" 

Wannon- "Okay, okay…no Chocobos were harmed in the making of this fanfic, except one that got eaten by Nanaki…but he was hungry! Oh, and there was that other one that was just standing there when the Highwind landed…ooh, that made a mess!"

Censor- "I don't know why I bother with you sickos!"

Wannon- "Me neither.Why don't you leave now"

~ Censor leaves, and Wannon dances a jig…no wait…she does the Dance of Joy! ~

(You Dragonball Z fans out there should know about the Dance of Joy…and the Dance of Special Words…right, Smeegee-san? Smabbi-san?)

So anyway, Cloud kicked the Chocobo.Then he walked away in disgust.But before he could reach the inn, Sephiroth appeared in front of him.

"Oh, hi Sephiroth" Cloud said, walking past him.Sephiroth looked stupefied.

"Hey! Come back here! I want to introduce you to my big sword!" he called.Then he realised how sick that sounded.

"Wait…I…I…I want to kill you! There, that's better" he reassured himself.

"I'm not in the mood, Sephiroth…maybe later" Cloud said as he continued walking.

"Well damn" Sephiroth cursed mildly, sitting down.A small girl appeared at his feet.

"Hi mister, whatcha doin?" she asked.Sephiroth glared at her with his glowing Mako eyes…not Mako as in the shark, either.Mako as in Mako energy.Just nod and smile if you don't get it. J

"I'm trying to kill a guy called Cloud" he said with a smile.

"Why?" the girl asked.

"Because…he's…actually, I don't know" he said.

"Why?" the child asked again.

"Um…I don't know the answer to that, either" he admitted.

"Why?"

Sephiroth had had enough.He picked up the child and hurled it through the nearest window.

"Uhhgh, children" he muttered.

~ Wannon interrupts…maybe for the last time ~

Wannon- "I agree, Sephiroth…I hate children too!"

Sephiroth- "Hmm, I like you.I promise I won't kill you when I take this planet over"

Wannon- "Hey, thanks, Sephiroth! But I just have one question…"

Sephiroth- "Yes?"

Wannon- "Um, about those opera singers in the final part of the game…you know, the ones that go; **ramble, can't understand it, blah, blah**…Sepiwoth! Like that?"

Sephiroth- "Yes"

Wannon- "What is UP with them?!?"

Sephiroth- "You don't like them?"

Wannon- "Well…no"

~ Sephiroth draws his sword and slices Wannon to pieces ~

Sephiroth- "I have no tolerance for those who don't like my music…"

~ Cloud comes out ~

Cloud- "Sephiroth! You just killed the fanfic writer? Who's gonna finish the story now?!?"

Sephiroth- "Whoever wins the battle between us will"

~ Cloud grins evilly ~

Cloud- "You're on!"

~ Vincent offers to write the fanfic for the time being ~

Vincent- "Poor Wannon…I did like her…almost as much as Lucrecia…oh! The battle has started! And it's Cloud to move first! Huh? He has his limit break already!…oh, oh! He is using his Omnislash! And Sephiroth is…dead! He's dead! Cloud won!"

~ Cloud runs over, victorious, and pushes Vincent aside ~

Cloud- "It's MY fanfic now!" 

Vincent- "Fine.I'll be burying Wannon, if anyone cares…"

~ Reno and Rufus enter ~

Reno- "We heard about Wannon…we're here to bury her, too"

Rufus- "Yes…sad.She would have made a great Turk…"

Vincent- "Thankyou…"

~ They leave to bury Wannon ~

~ Cloud begins to write the fanfic ~

The handsome young warrior strolled through the town, all the ladies looked at him and fell at his feet.He grinned._This is great…I'm a god! He thought.He saw Rufus walking towards him and glance at him suggestively._

"I love a man in uniform…" he said.The warrior looked down to see that he was indeed dressed in Shinra uniform.He grinned at Rufus, and they left hand in hand-

~ Tifa pushes Cloud away, and begins writing the fanfic ~

The sexy bartender looked at the familiar man standing in the doorway._Mmm…he's nice…Oh! I know him! That's-_

"Tseng!" the bartender cried, leaping into his arms, as he carried her up to her bedroom-

~ Nanaki takes over, threatening Tifa with his tail ~

The proud, strong, brave young beast looked around the Chocobo farm, licking his lips._Chocobo drumstick sounds good…but I'm so hungry I could eat a whole one! He thought, racing in and dragging a Chocobo away._

"WARRRKKK!" the Chocobo screamed as the beast dug his teeth into-

~ Barret lures a Chocobo into Nanaki's field of vision, and he runs off.Barret takes over ~

There once was a man, with a gun for an arm.It was really awkward to pee with one hand being replaced with a gun, you could have all sorts of nasty accidents, like-

~ Aeris gasps and pushes Barret away, sitting down and taking over the fanfic ~

There was a family of fuzzy bunnies, who lived in a meadow, near a farm.These cute bunnies all liked carrots, and they were…they were…

~ Aeris gives up, and leaves ~

~ Cait Sith looks at what Aeris wrote and added his own bit in ~

The bunnies were…delicious!

~ Cait Sith left, satisfied with his contribution ~

~ Yuffie decides to have a go ~

A pretty ninja girl (Who's name was Yuffie) was stalking some people for their materia…then she-

~ Cid spots Yuffie and chases her, pausing to add his little bit ~

And then the little Materia hunter/ninja called Yuffie got her ass kicked by an angry bald man!

~ Cid leaves in his pursuit of Yuffie ~

~ Vincent, Reno and Rufus return from burying Wannon ~

~ They see the fanfic, and decide to finish it off for Wannon ~

Vincent- "There was a…"

Rufus- "Pile of money!"

Reno- "Which the handsome Reno stole to buy beer…"

Vincent- "And Reno (Who wasn't actually handsome) got really drunk and…"

Rufus- "Kissed Rude! Hahaha, man I'm good at this!"

Reno- "And then Reno punched Rufus over for even suggesting that he was queer"

Vincent- "And the heroic, intelligent Vincent said 'what's wrong with queer people?'"

Rufus- "And then the handsome rich president of Shinra Inc, after dealing to Reno, who no longer had a job…**glares at Reno** looked at Vincent who sounded like he was suggesting he was gay"

Vincent- "And Vincent said 'I am not gay, I am politically correct, and I am not a homophobic!'"

Reno- "And then Reno kicked both their asses and they were dead"

~ Rufus and Vincent glare at Reno ~

Rufus- "ENOUGH! THIS INSANITY ENDS NOW!"

~ They all leave, but Vincent comes back and writes; ~

The End.


End file.
